Disarming the Narcissist (Third Edition) by Wendy T. Behary: A Therapist's Review and Key Takeaways for Couples in 2026

Not everyone who lives with a self-absorbed partner wants to walk away. Some love the person, share children or a home with them, and simply want to stop feeling invisible, criticised and drained in every conversation. That is the reader Wendy T. Behary had in mind. Behary is a licensed clinical social worker, founder and clinical director of the Cognitive Therapy Center of New Jersey and a faculty member at the Schema Therapy Institute of New York, and her practice specialises in narcissism and high-conflict couples. Disarming the Narcissist, now in a fully revised third edition, has become a self-help classic for people who deal with a narcissistic partner, parent, colleague or friend. My quick verdict: this is the most clinically grounded and humane book I know on communicating with a narcissist, and the one I reach for when a client wants to stay, at least for now, and be heard.

Its main benefits are understanding and skill. Behary uses schema therapy to explain the hurt and shame that often lie beneath narcissistic arrogance and entitlement, and she asks readers to notice their own triggers too: the old patterns of self-sacrifice, subjugation or defectiveness that make them easy to hook. In sessions I borrow her idea of empathic confrontation, which pairs genuine understanding of what drives the other person with a clear, firm statement of what is not acceptable. Clients who learn to do both stop either appeasing or exploding, and conversations become calmer and more honest. I hold a traditional view that commitment deserves effort, and Behary respects that while insisting firmly on self-respect and limits.

The third edition paperback runs to 240 pages (ISBN-13 978-1684037704, New Harbinger, published October 2021 in the US and November 2021 in the UK). It carries a foreword by Jeffrey Young, the founder of schema therapy, and a preface by Daniel J. Siegel. The publisher describes this edition as fully revised and updated in response to reader feedback.

The early chapters help readers recognise narcissistic traits such as arrogance, lack of empathy, entitlement and exploitation, and explain how they develop. Using schema therapy, Behary describes how unmet childhood needs can leave a person defended by superiority and control, which helps readers see the behaviour as a pattern rather than a personal verdict on them.

The book then turns the lens on the reader. Behary explores the schemas that may make you vulnerable to a narcissist's traps, such as self-sacrifice, subjugation or a sense of defectiveness, and helps you notice when you are being triggered. In my experience this is the section that changes most for clients, because it gives them back a sense of choice.

The practical core teaches communication skills: staying grounded, using empathic confrontation, asserting your own needs, and setting limits on unacceptable behaviour, including knowing when it is time to draw the line. The new material covers shame, hypersexuality and infidelity in narcissism, legal information for anyone divorcing a narcissist, and the effects of narcissism on children.

Throughout, Behary illustrates her points with examples drawn from her clinical work, showing how a typical exchange can escalate and how the same conversation might unfold differently using her approach. I find these worked examples especially helpful for clients who understand the theory but freeze in the moment.

This clinician-written classic stands out for combining compassion with firm boundaries:

• Strengths: Behary's greatest strength is clinical depth delivered warmly. Endorsements from John Gottman, Judith Beck and Randi Kreger reflect its standing among professionals, and reader reviews describe it as informative, insightful and validating, with one noting that it is as much about the reader as the person bothering them. In my practice it helps clients understand the dynamic well enough to respond rather than react.
• Author Credibility: Behary is a distinguished founding fellow of the Academy of Cognitive Therapy and has specialised for many years in treating narcissism and high-conflict couples. That background shows in the precision of her explanations and in her refusal to reduce narcissistic people to cartoon villains, which makes her guidance more usable in real relationships.
• Weaknesses: Reader reviews are more mixed than for many self-help books. Some survivors of severe narcissistic abuse feel the empathic approach is too soft, and that low or no contact is the safer choice. Others find parts of the book wordy or demanding of the reader. I agree that the book suits milder to moderate narcissism best, and it is not a substitute for safety planning where there is abuse.
• Practical Applications: Readers can keep a short log of difficult exchanges, noting what was said, which of their own schemas was triggered and how they responded. They can then rehearse an empathic confrontation for the next similar moment: one sentence acknowledging what may be driving the partner, followed by a clear statement of their own need or limit. Practising this calmly in counselling first can make it easier at home.
• Current Relevance: Relevance in 2026 is high. Narcissism is discussed everywhere online, often loosely, and Behary offers a grounded clinical alternative to labels and quick fixes. The third edition's new sections on infidelity, divorce and children reflect the questions couples bring to therapy today.

Choose Behary when you want to understand a narcissistic partner and learn to communicate and set limits, especially if you are not ready to leave. Choose Stop Manipulating Me! by Lisa Howard when you need a shorter, accessible introduction to recognising narcissistic manipulation and protecting yourself from it. Choose How to Divorce a Narcissist by Diana Jordan when you have decided to separate and need practical guidance on the UK family court process. Howard helps you recognise the pattern; Behary helps you understand and respond to it; Jordan helps you leave safely.

When choosing a book about narcissism in relationships, start with your safety and your goal. If there is abuse, intimidation or coercive control, prioritise safety planning and professional support before any book. If you want to stay and improve communication, look for clinician-written guidance that explains the dynamic without demonising anyone and teaches concrete skills. If you have decided to leave, choose practical guidance on separation and recovery. Behary fits readers who want to understand and respond.

From a therapeutic perspective Disarming the Narcissist supports two key tasks: understanding the schemas that drive a narcissistic partner and recognising your own. Behary's approach builds emotional regulation and assertive communication, helping readers step out of reactive cycles and into calmer, clearer exchanges. It mirrors the work I do with high-conflict couples in therapy.

This book suits partners who feel unseen, criticised or drained but are not ready to leave. It speaks to the pain of loving someone who seems unable to consider your needs, and to the frustration of conversations that always end the same way. Its reflective, skills-based format suits readers willing to look at themselves as well as their partner.

The core strength is Behary's compassionate yet firm clinical approach. The main outcome is a clearer understanding of the narcissistic dynamic and practical skills to communicate, set limits and protect your self-respect. If you need a simpler introduction start with Lisa Howard, and if you have decided to separate turn to Diana Jordan.