Making Love Last Forever by Gary Smalley: A Therapist's Review and Key Takeaways for Couples in 2026

Many partners pick up a marriage book secretly hoping it will change the other person. Gary Smalley's Making Love Last Forever starts from the opposite premise. In the first chapter he describes a heart check-up during which his doctor pointed to a painting of the Titanic, noted that its captain ignored repeated warnings to change course, and asked how many times Smalley had been warned about his own heart. Smalley's conclusion is that love's best-kept secret is not changing your spouse, your job or your address, but changing your own course. My quick verdict: this is a warm, story-led guide to taking responsibility for your part in a relationship, best read as practical encouragement rather than a research programme.

Its main benefit is that it puts the reader's own choices at the centre. Smalley is candid that he takes much of the blame for the difficult early years of his marriage to Norma, describing himself as a wounded young man who had learned wounding tactics from an angry father. He goes on to argue that unresolved anger is the number one enemy of love. As a counsellor, I find that framing helpful for couples locked in blame, because it invites each partner to look at what they can change today, whether or not the other person joins in straight away.

The edition reviewed here is the Thomas Nelson paperback (ISBN-13 978-0849940866, 16 September 1997, 320 pages; copyright 1996). Part I, The Love-for-Life Factor, explains how to fall in love with life. Its chapters cover love's best-kept secret, unresolved anger as the number one enemy of love, seven ways to unload unresolved anger, turning "sand storms" into pearls, balancing expectations and reality, the idea that avoiding hurt is my responsibility, and finding the power to keep loving. Smalley presents Part I as warnings about five icebergs that can sink love, and Part II as eight "steel" linings that make a relationship much harder to sink.

Part II, Forever-Love Principles, turns to staying in love with your spouse: five vital signs of a healthy marriage, better communication as the number one request, understanding personality types, bringing out the best in a maddening mate, how to read a woman's built-in marriage manual, conflict as the doorway to intimacy, sexual intimacy and divorce-proofing your marriage. An appendix on the Smalley children's dating rules and a study guide close the book.

This popular classic stands out for its emphasis on what each partner can change:

• Strengths: Smalley's greatest strength is hope combined with responsibility. His chapter 1 summary, drawing on Harriet Lerner, is simple: we cannot change other people, we can choose to change ourselves, and others usually adjust to our new behaviour. That message gives couples somewhere to start even when only one partner is ready, and his own story makes it feel achievable rather than preachy. He also borrows the airline instruction to fit your own oxygen mask first, arguing that you need to love your own life before you can give and receive love well.
• Author Credibility: According to his publisher, Gary Smalley was one of America's best-known authors and speakers on family relationships, co-author with John Trent of The Blessing and The Two Sides of Love, and presenter of the long-running "Love Is a Decision" workshop. His books have sold millions of copies.
• Weaknesses: In my view, the 1990s Christian marriage-educator voice and some gendered chapter titles, such as "How to Read a Woman's Built-in Marriage Manual", feel dated. It is not a lab-tested protocol like the Gottmans' work, and its anger and personality material is practical psychoeducation rather than structured therapy homework.
• Practical Applications: Couples can each choose one small change in their own behaviour for a week, such as calming down before raising a complaint, and notice how the other responds. Discussing a chapter together using the study guide at the back can keep the changes going.
• Current Relevance: Relevance in 2026 is moderate to high. The examples have aged, but the core ideas of owning your reactions, letting go of resentment and seeing conflict as a chance to understand each other remain useful.

Choose Making Love Last Forever when resentment, anger or personality clashes are wearing your relationship down and you want a hopeful guide to changing your own part. Choose The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman when the main problem is that you give and receive love in different ways and each feels unappreciated. Choose The 5 Love Languages Workbook by Gary Chapman when you already understand the five languages and want regular exercises to practise them together.

When choosing a book on love languages and lasting love, start with what is getting in the way. If there is violence, intimidation or coercive control, put your safety and professional support before any book. If you feel unloved because your partner shows love differently, choose a clear taxonomy of love languages. If anger, resentment or blame is drowning out affection, choose a book that helps you deal with your own reactions first. Smalley suits couples who want encouragement to change their own course, and it pairs well with Chapman's books for the affection side of the picture.

From a therapeutic perspective Making Love Last Forever supports two key tasks: letting go of unresolved anger that blocks affection, and taking responsibility for the changes each partner can make. Smalley's stories and principles give couples a hopeful place to start.

This book suits couples who feel worn down by resentment or personality clashes, as well as those who want encouragement to keep a good marriage growing.

The core strength is Smalley's ability to turn hard-won personal lessons into simple principles. The main outcome is a renewed sense that you can improve your relationship by changing your own course, starting today. If you also need to understand how you each give and receive love, read The 5 Love Languages next, and use the Workbook for regular practice.